Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Why Millions of People Want to Work at IKEA for Free

Having moved to my new place in Florida, I discovered that I needed more shelf space for books. This was the opportunity I had been waiting for: a chance to work at IKEA. ("You mean SHOP at IKEA, don't you?" I hear you protesting.) No, I mean WORK. Having just successfully executed a shopping project plan at IKEA, and since no one should shop at IKEA without preparation, I thought I'd pass on some of the tips I've learned for those of you ready to try a radically different shopping experience. (Here is some background info for those who aren't familiar with IKEA.)

Tip 1: The IKEA Language.

First you will need to master the IKEA vocabulary of nouns. In the case of bookcases, for instance, their various product lines are all given names of Swedish places. However, since IKEA is the master of modular design, many of their products can be combined to create an almost infinite number of configurations. Let's say you want to create a tall bookcase with some drawers and a short one to do double-duty as a lamp table. The product lines involved would be Besta, Besta Vara, Besta Tofta and Inreda.

The easiest way to design your bookcases is to go to the nearest store.

What? The nearest store is a 500 mile drive from your home?

Look, if you're going to buy a great product at an incredible price and experience the greatest shopping challenge of your life, then you're going to have to make a few sacrifices.

Tip 2: Stay Focused!

When you arrive at the store head straight to the bookcases. Go right up the escalators, glue your eyes to the arrows on the floor that indicate the path through the 8 billion square foot showroom and, whatever you do, DON'T LOOK UP!

What?? You tried that and you smacked your knee on a dining table and took your eyes off the arrows because you were in such pain that your eyes started watering? Then you beheld room after breathtaking room of IKEA furniture and accessories in every conceivable combination and setting stretching on endlessly before you and you were transfixed in wonderment?

OK, here's the challenge: you have maybe ten minutes before the IKEA Effect kicks in and you lose all connection with the outside world. So, before you forget who you are and how to use a cell phone, call and make a reservation at the nearest hostelry for that night because you won't be able to start your trek homeward until midnight and we don't want the police finding your body piled under a bunch of IKEA boxes in your rolled-over car because you fell asleep at the wheel.

TIP 3: Write It Down!

OK, so 3 hours later you finally arrive at the bookcase section. The time frame is optimistic here because you might have passed the bookcases a few times, having forgotten why you came to the store in the first place along with your identity and any capacity for free-will. On the walls of this section you will see samples of every component that can be used to construct a bookcase. These have been cleverly arranged into numbered sections in the order in which a design must be constructed. Now, if you can still count, go over to the wall display labeled "1" and DO YOUR HOMEWORK!

But before you do anything else, look around for the nearest rack containing blue pamphlets and small pencils and disposable tape measures. Grab one of each and keep 'em handy. The form has a map of the store, shopping instructions, and, most important, a blank shopping list on the back where you can write down what you want to buy. There is no way, even if you were not under the spell of the IKEA Effect, that you are going to remember that you need 3 "Inreda Drawer Without Front 23 5/8" by 15 3/4" in Beech Effect Units" for longer than 30 seconds.

Tip 4: Don't Forget the Article Number

When you've decided what you want to buy, IKEA instructs you to go to the "Self-Serve Furniture" area. The uninformed might misinterpret this euphemism as a loading platform to which you drive your vehicle where employees are available to help you load your stuff in the car. The complete IKEA novice might even think they can avoid this part of the process altogether if they have decided to pay for delivery. This is WRONG in both cases!

In fact, the "Self-Serve Furniture" area looks suspiciously like an enormous stock-room which, indeed, it is. Part of IKEA's retailing revolution involves the deceptively simple idea of removing the walls that usually separate the stockroom from the selling floor. Oh yes, it also involves eliminating almost all of the stockroom jobs as well, leaving the customer responsible for locating the items he or she wants to purchase:

a) amidst the 3 trillion items IKEA sells;

b) within a warehouse containing dozens of rows of multi-storied shelving structures;

c) all filled with identically clad plain brown cardboard boxes of various sizes and shapes.

Not to worry! IKEA has a system designed to find what you're looking for and stimulate your brain cells at the same time. Simply use one of the touch screen computers conveniently located around the ware... I mean the "Self-Serve Furniture" section, enter the item number of the thing you want to buy and hit enter.

What? You forgot to write down the article number when you were browsing the 8 billion square foot show-room because the form didn't have a column for a part number?

No problem: simply enter the name of the items you want in the computer instead.

What?? You wrote down the names of what you want but now you can't decipher words that seem to be in Swedish and looks like it might be "Basta/Vegas/Toffee/Invader"?

Oh well, you'll just have to walk the 300 miles back through the largest store on the planet to the spot where you think you might've seen what you wanted and re-do all the research necessary to figure out what parts you'll need to build it if... I mean, ONCE you get home.

What???? You already did that but the damn tag, which is supposed to have all the info needed to purchase the item, did NOT have an item number? So you accosted a yellow-shirted IKEA person screaming:

WHERE IS THE FECKING ITEM NUMBER FOR THE BASTARD/VARGAS/TEUFEL/CRUSADER THINGEY I'VE BEEN TRYING TO BUY FOR THE LAST MONTH OR SO....

but your foaming mouth and rolling eyes caused him to run away before he answered the question?

No problem: the exact location of the items you want in the "Self-Serve Furniture" room are shown at the bottom of the IKEA tags on a red card.

What? You're upset that I didn't mention this before which would've saved you miles of walking and hours of work but now you've wasted so much time that the store is closing so you'll have to come back tomorrow to finish shopping?

See: I told you to reserve a room!!

Tip 5: Don't Give Up.

At this point it may seem that leaving your stuff in the moving boxes in the living room until your next move is a very reasonable alternative. This is simply the result of complete mental and physical exhaustion. After a good night's sleep at an overpriced motel (sans a change of clothes or toiletries considering you weren't planning to make this an overnight shopping trip) your perspective will return. I hope. Remember, perseverance is an important lesson to be learned in confronting any challenge.

What? You'd rather pay more to have someone else do all this work than work for IKEA for nothing?

What are you, un-American??

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